1) Simon Amstell makes fun of us and then I say “oh yeah… well… when you were 10, you did magic on local television!” He is confused. I say “ha! I win!” And I do.

2) I invite Simon to my grad show on Sunday and he comes and we become best friends.

3) I tell Simon that he needs to eat a sandwich, because he is so tiny! I could fit him in my purse!